Wondering in Circles

My mind has been wondering in circles recently. Today mostly about the seperation of church and state, legislation, and our bible. what a difficult area. Why are people trusting me to vote when i can't even figure out how to sort out all of it. I can take a stance based on Word of God but does that violate our seperation of Church and State. How can christian moral legislation be justified with out saying "bc the bible said so!"
I do believe the bible has an anwer or reference for almost everything. Sometimes it's just hard to put that answer or reference into action.
besides, going crazy in thought, i'm super stoked for Thaksgiving to hang with the familia that i am so grateful for and Jesus who i'm kinda crazy about! ;)

An easy day

Today was a pretty easy day. A long day, but i don't mind my work so it's all good. i spent my hours playing w/toddlers and reading an infinate number of Dr. Seuss books. (it's all for the greater good baby, all for the greater good..baha)
I had a chance to spend some 1 on 1 time w/ a co-worker. that was pretty cool. i pretty much blew her mind w/ the funky details of my life. But i never mind talking ab my past bc it gives me a chance to tell the happily ever after ending.
I thought ab my son a lot today. of course i think of him everyday. but today more than the usual. It's so comforting to know that he has a chance for success. but sometimes i am still left wishing i could snuggle w/ him or maybe rock him to sleep. or maybe build some cool stuff w/ his blocks or push him on the swings. i wish i could hear him learning to talk and learning to do new things everyday.

Adoption is self-less. end of story.

to be w/o him is hard. but to see his life unfold in a stable and healthy way is overwhelmingly exciting. i wonder what i would be like if i could have started w/all the advantages that he is getting to start with.
i've been spending this evening on the teetering edge of what to do tonight. Most of my mind tells me to go out for one innocent night of drunken fun. a smaller portion of my mind warns me of what that will cost. i think i'll stay home tonight and study for a bio test on monday. yea...cuz that's what all the coolest people are doing. ha!
no point to this blog. no heavy message on my heart. just looking for an open outlet.

"success means you are at the right place at the right time doing the right thing."
-Chuck D. Pierce

Calling my name

Sometimes I hear them all calling my name. They all lure me in. sometime quickly...sometimes slowly. What is this voice? Who is this voice? What is this familiar sound and ring. it's not quite a voice but yet i don't know anyother way to explain it.

i think it's the voice of my enemy. it's the voice of my persecutors. but wait...who are my persecutors and why do they hate me? i know why...they hate me bc i'm chosen. yes, oh wait, they hate me bc God made me.

So putting a name-to a face-to a voice- Name: Satan. commonly disguised as my persecutors. (cigerattes, promiscuity, lust, perfection, rebellion, stubborness, self-hatred which is surrounded by twisted self-love, Alcohol [me and Cuervo can have some pretty good chats at times], judgement, compromise).

So i say "help, help. Can anybody hear? Does anybody care." Does a friend care enough to say "bad idea man, bad idea"?

I had these thoughts the other day about the people i call "friend." Not one was really bold enough to tell the uncomfortable truth to save my life...at the risk of losing our friendship. No one said..."wait!" don't buy that patron and don't touch the grey goose...you're gonna screw up your life.

Now i'm fine, I've spent sometime realigning myself where i need to be...but not really any thanks to a few friends. ouch! i know that stings. truth is truth. it's thanks to the faithful in my life

Learning and Yearning

Man...i think these last 3 yrs of my life have been the most intense educating experience i will ever have. From abuse to redmeption, death to life, extreme to well...still extreme, from a box to radical, from empty to filled, from from uncompassionate to empathetic. What else? I still want more

.
I've been on a journey that i never anticpated would come my way. i'm not real sure how i got here except...well...Jesus! duh! I'm not sure where I am and i definately don't know where i am going. But i'm lovin the ride. Anybody else know what i mean?
At this point i am left at this hungry state of questioning. Not an undermining kind of questioning but a....please help me understand kind of questioning.
Papa, How will you make something good of this broken place? How will it fit into your Kingdom?
I just got some questions.

Proving God

The other day i sat at work playing with some of the toys there. (i know, it's pretty cool that i get paid to play) These specific group of toys are these cylinder shaped toys made of plastic. They have a magnet on each end. Using the magnet you can connect each cylinder and a couple of balls as well. I sat there playing with the end of the cylinders connecting the magnets. i began to wonder how i knew those magnets are what was causing the cylinders to pull together. Could i really see the magnetic field? i can't see it with my naked eye but i know i could see it using some cool scientific tool. But what if we see the magnetic field and assume that is the cause of the pull but we are all wrong. What if it is something that we havine't been able to see yet is causing the pull between the magnets. Maybe we haven't created the right tool to be able to see this unknown force. If we can't see this force can we really prove this exists or does not exist?

i began talking to my co-worker sitting next to me about my wierd magnetic theory. She of course looked at me like i was crazy and knew that i was obviously to an extrmeme amount of boredom and slightly delusional. then i asked her...."why can't we believe in God but we can believe in magnetic fields? We can't really SEE either one."
she replied with "Well, there is so much about God that people can't prove....so much unknown stuff. You can prove the pull of magnets."
I went home thinking about this. But you know what. i can prove God. I can give you something scientific to study if you would like Him scientifically proven......just check out the miracle of life....conception, birth, and death. Check out the mystery's of the planet Earth. How does this planet exist and how do all the organisms work in such perfect harmony together? Check out the universe and the mysteries of it. There are all kinds of things that can prove God or a higher being. However.......You probably aren't ever going to put a leaf under a microscope and look into the eyepiece and see JESUS. it all takes faith. not even a lot of faith. just a little....maybe as much as a mustard seed.
I've been reading a new book recently and it presented an interesting question to the reader. If we could fully understand God and the way this higher being...is would we still worship God? i argue that we wouldn't. I don't think the human race will ever worship something that has zero mystery.

What I love about God

Often times I find myself going through the motions of life. Sometimes acknowledging God....sometimes not. I mean some mornings i wake up and get right in the Word with my coffee and have a great time in prayer....other mornings i get in the Word and i don't know what to say in prayer.....most often the alarm clock is my enemy and i rush through a short passage and a quick "Thanks God for everything and may your will be done today, Amen" kinda prayer then run out the door. But despite my shortcomings my sweet God is always there, available and on time waiting to spend time with me. Who am I that i deserve such a sweet savior? I don't know anybody who ALWAYS wants to spend time with me and wants me to spend time with them. Even when i don't make Him a priority...I am still His priority. How amazing is that?

No matter how far i stray or how much i allow my heart to harden i always find my very best-friend waiting for me. When i come back and say "i'm sorry i let this world come before you" he says "it's ok...come sit with me...i've really missed our time together." Jesus is my relentless savior. He has never given me up without a fight. He sends angels to war on my behalf and he sends provisions to strengthen me daily. My God is full of lovingkindness and that's what i love about Him the most.
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So this my crazy friend Leanne. she's pretty awesome. she came to town and we pretty much rocked denton and dallas. these poor little towns didn't know what they had comin. And for the record...yes, that is my foot. and yes, i am trying to force her to eat it.





So...everybody who loves my fly cowgirl hat say "I do"..(my voice in background - I do!). Hey girls i can so see me rockin this hat at Red River. bahahaha

Why yes i do think Rhianna made a mistake on her song. it should have never been Disturbia. it really should have be "stir me up" and i secretly sing those words when the song comes on...and i do this dance too!

it just part of life

So sometimes during life..stuff happens. Sometimes it's our fault sometimes it's not. doesn't matter what..it just happens. So let's just take it and learn from it. Move on.
I choose to take the experiences that i have and learn from them...how about you?

Recent Events

Isabelle Moselle made me Aunt V just a few days ago. So much joy wrapped up in such a small package....6.3lbs. I have the privilege of watching this young life grow for the first year of her life. she will be living at the end of the block from where my parents live. how exciting?! I can't wait to be able to play with her and watch all the cool Disney movies with her.

I love life! i love new life...i love old life! what a privilege to have the ability to give life. Babies always remind me of so much hope that i have for the future. they remind me that today is not the end but there really is hope for a different and progressive tomorrow.

What i like to call a good day

Today was a pretty awesome day. Our toddlers were all over the place and all over each other today. it was still fun though. i can see how much they are learning. Today one little boy said my name! I'm stoked about it! to put a little context to it.....he most definately is my favorite. So i'm the teacher and i'm not supposed to have favorites...but i do. And he said my name today! How fun is that?!?
All day i've been thinking about the upcoming months. My fall semester is about to start. lots of fun stuff coming up...but so much to do.
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As i was taking out the trash i remembered a question that a young lady asked me in April of this year. it was as i was just finishing up talking to a group of college women about consentual and nonconsentual relationships when i asked if anybody had any questions.

This one young lady raised her hand and asked "why are you so passionate about all this stuff?"
I don't remember what i told her then. I'm sure i rambled off some sort of answer that sounded good. the truth is i was caught off guard. there are many reasons why i do the things that i do.. but what is the main reason?

today i determined it was because i want to see people changed.

I don't want to see people staying in their same position of defeat their whole life. How boring of a life would that be?! let's change our state of being and be somebody better and do awesome things......

sermonette #500

why the rush?

So I go to walmart today to run a few errands. This is not my norm. Recently I've tried my hardest to stay away from large retailers [such as walmart]. Man i forgot what it's like in there. it was like a zoo. Everybody was too busy too smile and definately too busy to say excuse me. Everybody was irritated bc the lines were too long, the cashier was too slow, the elderly man crossed the street too slow. it was like a bunch of people aimlessly rushing around with grumpy faces. Why the big rush? I have a busy life too. I had things i really really needed to hurry and get home to do. Such as my paper that is due this time tomorrow that i hadn't even started then. But is the impatient tapping toe and rude comments really going to make the credit card machine work any faster or make the old man walk faster? No, no not even a little bit.
Let's slow down already. Whatever the rush is...it's just not that crucial. Slow down life will go on without being frantic and speedy all the time.

Dissapointment

I've had so much on my mind lately. I've spent the last several days in a bit of grief and dissapointment. I am kinda friends with a fellow student at my school. She is super sweet and we have talked several times but never about anything in depth. She never seemed interested in Christianity or God. I didn't even think she was hungry for the Lord. So i lived my life the best i could and was friendly with her thinking she would come to me if she was interested in what i have [joy]. i definately didn't explain the Gospel of Jesus Christ to her bc i didn't want to make her uncomfortable. About a month ago i started to see her posting some things online that were a little different and i started to wonder if she recieved Christ's salvation. When i asked her about her "newness" that she posted online she told me she had gotten a lot closer to God lately. I was stoked to hear that! not long after that i saw that she posted new baptism pictures! so i jumped up and danced around all excited..believing that she recieved salvation and was baptised into a church. when i looked at the pictures online i was left shocked and completely dissappointed. She was baptised into the Mormon-Church of Latter Day Saints. You see she was hungry all along. I didn't think she wanted to hear about the truth and newness of life...but uh...i was so wrong. she was so desperate to be renewed that she joined a church, any church. I had an oppurtunity to share the truth with her but the devil walked through that door instead of me. i was so wrapped up in my world that i didn't recognize the hungry cries of a lost soul.
Where is the body of Christ? Am i the only Christian she knew? I know i'm not. Why didn't a Christian tell her about Jesus? Why are we ashamed? While Christians are sitting back quitely...living our lives in righteousness....we are not telling the world about the Savior. This leaves the world searching for truth so desperately that they will believe anything. i am so dissapointed.

A Summer to Remember

I started this summer expecting it to be a drag. My days were filled with an expectancy of nothing. I made great plans for the Fall...new bible study, new topics, new major, new classes, woo hoo for new things! but summer time.....not so thrilling. My life went from crazy busy and productive to a total abscence of social life. awkward kinda! As I searched for other things to do with my time I thought "Hey, what better things to do with my time than go to church? duh!" So i go to this church that i had been visiting for about 6 months and my life changed after i got there. I always said this church was "A Place Where I Could Find God"...and sure enough i found him. The pastors are awesome and so personal. so refreshing to me! One particular Sunday one of the Pastors spoke to the congregation about making a difference with the resources already available to us and I went home thinking "i can't stand it anymore, i just can't stand it i've gotta do something." which war really awkward bc i didn't have much readily available to give. I chose to make a difference that afternoon and something inside of me had a spark. Kinda like a little spark to start a fire deep in the pit of the core of my body. I started going to church at least twice a week. This only increased to being at church for long periods of time..sometimes 6 days a wk, sometimes 4, sometimes, 3. Being in the Lord's prescence has kindled a full fire in my core. Life isn't the same to say the least. I've met some of the most sincere people i've ever known and there genuiness has truly change my attitude. I love hanging out with these people who are as crazy about the Lord Jesus as I am. I always have somewhere to go, somewhere comfy to sleep, something good to eat when i'm a little homesick, and somebody sweet to hang out with when i'm lonely. Dare i say i have truly found the body of Christ? Oh my, i think it has finally happened. Christians are actually being the hands and feet of Christ. woo hoo!The love and acceptance i've found is undescribable. My whole summer is different from how i expected it! i anticipated nothing and got a whole new church family, an aligned spine, and a healthy heart in return. Jesus Rocks!

A new me

I've spoken out about my life and testimony maybe a milion times now. I don't hide what i know or what i've experienced, but i don't exactly offer up my life story easily. I've been afraid to tell somebody about my trials and get judgement and rejection in return. So i always wait and watch people before i talk about the real me.
People usually only get to see the scholarly, comical and entertaining part of me.But who is the real me when i'm not on guard? The real me: the person that has strayed from God in rebellion, lived through countless sexual assaults and come back to fall madly in love with Jesus. I have ministry burned in my heart and a love for my Creator that can never be expressed in words. That is the real me. I normally try to hide behind my make up and smile. I try to blend in with everybody else. The thing is...everybody else is doing the same thing. So many people are trying to hide their secrets and keep their shames hidden deep inside as if they are alone and the only person to ever experience their pain. News for you: We are all holding up the same mask, desperately trying to hide our wounds and scars.
Today I participated in the sexual assault demo at school. About 20 women put tape over there mouths and lined the streets. All holding signs with the reasons why people don't speak out when they are sexually assaulted. It was a demo to show how many people are suffering in silence and why they are silent. These victims and victors of sexual assualt, and other abuses, are the everyday faces that we hang out with and have class with.
I prayed for the demo this morning before i left home. I wasn't really worried about it. I planned to speak if i needed to. No big deal I've talked about this stuff countless times before, right? Wrong! I held the big sign that read "Speaking out in Power."

My feet hit the pavement and I began to pace up and down the sidewalk. the other volunteers waited for me to say something. I didn't quite know what to say. I started to shake from head to toe and just yelled in a loud voice that i was a sexual assault survior. Evey word I spoke gave me more freedom. Having the tape off of my mouth after being silent felt great. To be able to shout and tell others about why i chose to prosecute my perpetrator was freeing. So many faces looked so relieved when i said that he is serving 16 yrs in prison for his actions. I shouted that i found freedom from my guilt. I wasn't concerned with who was hearing me. I was hearing me!It was emotional to say the least. I've never shouted about my victory on the streets before. I didn't want to put the tape back on my mouth after that. I can never be silent again. I was a new kind of demo, One who wasn't silent.
The funny thing i was able to smile after that. I smiled in my pictures and encouraged others to speak.
I lost my heavy burden of secrets today! I feel like a whole new person

the girl i wanted to be

I just saw that girl I wanted to be. She’s still gorgeous and popular. Her body is still perfect and her skin is a perfect tan. Her hair is still cute. There are still multiple men falling all over themselves for her. She still has more “friends” that anyone else. She still loves to drink and party. She an amazing student with a high GPA. She does school on Monday, party on saturday, and church on sunday. She has the “good” life. Everybody loves her! What I wanted so bad. To be able to do it all and nothing go bad. But today I looked at her again. This time I really looked at her for the first time in three years. She smiles in every picture but I can see behind the smile. There is no joy there. Just a fake and temporary front. I see her perfectly toned body and wonder if anyone has taken advantage of it while she was drunk. I see all the gorgeous men around her and wonder if any of them poured disease into her. I see her perfect flat tummy and wonder if it cost her an abortion. I see her having what looks like so much fun at school and wonder if she has wasted the most valuable years of her life on a “good time”. I say the most valuable years because college is the time when you are “out from under” your parents but not yet committed to the rest of your life. It’s time to be just be with God and follow his direction. No one or nothing else. Just you and God. Did I really want to trade this time for that? A good time that brings disease, death, and a hidden self? No, I don’t think I want to be that girl anymore.

^looking up^

A few months ago i was walking around in the Ozark Mountain area surrounded by breathtaking scenary. the problem was i was seeing it. I was too busy looking down to see where i was walking. As i noticed this i applied it my everyday life and was appalled by what i discovered. In my daily life i haven't been noticing the scenery. I was only watching my own steps. I wasn’t even noticing the everyday people and their strongholds around me. I haven’t looked up, to the right, and to the left. I've always so careful to watch my own footsteps. I don’t want to stumble ya know. I'm always on the lookout for predators. My eyes are constantly fixed downward watching myself and my steps. I realize that I’ve become so consumed with being cautious that I've failed to notice everything that has passed by me. I missed the beautiful scenery while in the midst of a room full of worshippers, or while new believers begin a new journey, or when close friends began a new life of parenthood. I was too busy watching the people around me in a different light: who is honest…who is not…who is led by the Holy Spirit…and who is not…who is the predator…who is not. I have also missed the ugly scenery: I didn’t notice the girl who wore long sleeves in the spring/summer because of her freshly scarred arm or the teen who is trapped in a violent relationship. I didn’t notice the young woman sitting at Burger King debating if she should get an abortion or not. I didn’t look in the eyes of a molested young child. I didn’t notice that the girl that had been raped twice wasn't "ok" like she thinks she is. I didn’t notice the young woman who purges her food after large meals. Man, how could I miss so much? It was all in front of my face…except I was only looking at my world: what is safe...what is not…what is a good decision…what is not…me, me, me! I’ve chosen to look up. I want to see the world around me. It looks so beautiful and so ugly at the same time. But I know where to find hope. I know where the Rescuer lives! I have good news for the world!To be honest it’s a little hard looking up. People hurt so badly. It makes me hurt with them. They weep so hard at night and I want to weep with them. They are so distant because of their scars and I just want to hug them. I see young women looking to “seasonal sin” to find eternal love. What in the world can I really do about this? I mean really....I’m not the Rescuer!?! **The first and most important thing I can do is to look up and notice them.**