A new me

I've spoken out about my life and testimony maybe a milion times now. I don't hide what i know or what i've experienced, but i don't exactly offer up my life story easily. I've been afraid to tell somebody about my trials and get judgement and rejection in return. So i always wait and watch people before i talk about the real me.
People usually only get to see the scholarly, comical and entertaining part of me.But who is the real me when i'm not on guard? The real me: the person that has strayed from God in rebellion, lived through countless sexual assaults and come back to fall madly in love with Jesus. I have ministry burned in my heart and a love for my Creator that can never be expressed in words. That is the real me. I normally try to hide behind my make up and smile. I try to blend in with everybody else. The thing is...everybody else is doing the same thing. So many people are trying to hide their secrets and keep their shames hidden deep inside as if they are alone and the only person to ever experience their pain. News for you: We are all holding up the same mask, desperately trying to hide our wounds and scars.
Today I participated in the sexual assault demo at school. About 20 women put tape over there mouths and lined the streets. All holding signs with the reasons why people don't speak out when they are sexually assaulted. It was a demo to show how many people are suffering in silence and why they are silent. These victims and victors of sexual assualt, and other abuses, are the everyday faces that we hang out with and have class with.
I prayed for the demo this morning before i left home. I wasn't really worried about it. I planned to speak if i needed to. No big deal I've talked about this stuff countless times before, right? Wrong! I held the big sign that read "Speaking out in Power."

My feet hit the pavement and I began to pace up and down the sidewalk. the other volunteers waited for me to say something. I didn't quite know what to say. I started to shake from head to toe and just yelled in a loud voice that i was a sexual assault survior. Evey word I spoke gave me more freedom. Having the tape off of my mouth after being silent felt great. To be able to shout and tell others about why i chose to prosecute my perpetrator was freeing. So many faces looked so relieved when i said that he is serving 16 yrs in prison for his actions. I shouted that i found freedom from my guilt. I wasn't concerned with who was hearing me. I was hearing me!It was emotional to say the least. I've never shouted about my victory on the streets before. I didn't want to put the tape back on my mouth after that. I can never be silent again. I was a new kind of demo, One who wasn't silent.
The funny thing i was able to smile after that. I smiled in my pictures and encouraged others to speak.
I lost my heavy burden of secrets today! I feel like a whole new person

the girl i wanted to be

I just saw that girl I wanted to be. She’s still gorgeous and popular. Her body is still perfect and her skin is a perfect tan. Her hair is still cute. There are still multiple men falling all over themselves for her. She still has more “friends” that anyone else. She still loves to drink and party. She an amazing student with a high GPA. She does school on Monday, party on saturday, and church on sunday. She has the “good” life. Everybody loves her! What I wanted so bad. To be able to do it all and nothing go bad. But today I looked at her again. This time I really looked at her for the first time in three years. She smiles in every picture but I can see behind the smile. There is no joy there. Just a fake and temporary front. I see her perfectly toned body and wonder if anyone has taken advantage of it while she was drunk. I see all the gorgeous men around her and wonder if any of them poured disease into her. I see her perfect flat tummy and wonder if it cost her an abortion. I see her having what looks like so much fun at school and wonder if she has wasted the most valuable years of her life on a “good time”. I say the most valuable years because college is the time when you are “out from under” your parents but not yet committed to the rest of your life. It’s time to be just be with God and follow his direction. No one or nothing else. Just you and God. Did I really want to trade this time for that? A good time that brings disease, death, and a hidden self? No, I don’t think I want to be that girl anymore.

^looking up^

A few months ago i was walking around in the Ozark Mountain area surrounded by breathtaking scenary. the problem was i was seeing it. I was too busy looking down to see where i was walking. As i noticed this i applied it my everyday life and was appalled by what i discovered. In my daily life i haven't been noticing the scenery. I was only watching my own steps. I wasn’t even noticing the everyday people and their strongholds around me. I haven’t looked up, to the right, and to the left. I've always so careful to watch my own footsteps. I don’t want to stumble ya know. I'm always on the lookout for predators. My eyes are constantly fixed downward watching myself and my steps. I realize that I’ve become so consumed with being cautious that I've failed to notice everything that has passed by me. I missed the beautiful scenery while in the midst of a room full of worshippers, or while new believers begin a new journey, or when close friends began a new life of parenthood. I was too busy watching the people around me in a different light: who is honest…who is not…who is led by the Holy Spirit…and who is not…who is the predator…who is not. I have also missed the ugly scenery: I didn’t notice the girl who wore long sleeves in the spring/summer because of her freshly scarred arm or the teen who is trapped in a violent relationship. I didn’t notice the young woman sitting at Burger King debating if she should get an abortion or not. I didn’t look in the eyes of a molested young child. I didn’t notice that the girl that had been raped twice wasn't "ok" like she thinks she is. I didn’t notice the young woman who purges her food after large meals. Man, how could I miss so much? It was all in front of my face…except I was only looking at my world: what is safe...what is not…what is a good decision…what is not…me, me, me! I’ve chosen to look up. I want to see the world around me. It looks so beautiful and so ugly at the same time. But I know where to find hope. I know where the Rescuer lives! I have good news for the world!To be honest it’s a little hard looking up. People hurt so badly. It makes me hurt with them. They weep so hard at night and I want to weep with them. They are so distant because of their scars and I just want to hug them. I see young women looking to “seasonal sin” to find eternal love. What in the world can I really do about this? I mean really....I’m not the Rescuer!?! **The first and most important thing I can do is to look up and notice them.**