An easy day

Today was a pretty easy day. A long day, but i don't mind my work so it's all good. i spent my hours playing w/toddlers and reading an infinate number of Dr. Seuss books. (it's all for the greater good baby, all for the greater good..baha)
I had a chance to spend some 1 on 1 time w/ a co-worker. that was pretty cool. i pretty much blew her mind w/ the funky details of my life. But i never mind talking ab my past bc it gives me a chance to tell the happily ever after ending.
I thought ab my son a lot today. of course i think of him everyday. but today more than the usual. It's so comforting to know that he has a chance for success. but sometimes i am still left wishing i could snuggle w/ him or maybe rock him to sleep. or maybe build some cool stuff w/ his blocks or push him on the swings. i wish i could hear him learning to talk and learning to do new things everyday.

Adoption is self-less. end of story.

to be w/o him is hard. but to see his life unfold in a stable and healthy way is overwhelmingly exciting. i wonder what i would be like if i could have started w/all the advantages that he is getting to start with.
i've been spending this evening on the teetering edge of what to do tonight. Most of my mind tells me to go out for one innocent night of drunken fun. a smaller portion of my mind warns me of what that will cost. i think i'll stay home tonight and study for a bio test on monday. yea...cuz that's what all the coolest people are doing. ha!
no point to this blog. no heavy message on my heart. just looking for an open outlet.

"success means you are at the right place at the right time doing the right thing."
-Chuck D. Pierce

Calling my name

Sometimes I hear them all calling my name. They all lure me in. sometime quickly...sometimes slowly. What is this voice? Who is this voice? What is this familiar sound and ring. it's not quite a voice but yet i don't know anyother way to explain it.

i think it's the voice of my enemy. it's the voice of my persecutors. but wait...who are my persecutors and why do they hate me? i know why...they hate me bc i'm chosen. yes, oh wait, they hate me bc God made me.

So putting a name-to a face-to a voice- Name: Satan. commonly disguised as my persecutors. (cigerattes, promiscuity, lust, perfection, rebellion, stubborness, self-hatred which is surrounded by twisted self-love, Alcohol [me and Cuervo can have some pretty good chats at times], judgement, compromise).

So i say "help, help. Can anybody hear? Does anybody care." Does a friend care enough to say "bad idea man, bad idea"?

I had these thoughts the other day about the people i call "friend." Not one was really bold enough to tell the uncomfortable truth to save my life...at the risk of losing our friendship. No one said..."wait!" don't buy that patron and don't touch the grey goose...you're gonna screw up your life.

Now i'm fine, I've spent sometime realigning myself where i need to be...but not really any thanks to a few friends. ouch! i know that stings. truth is truth. it's thanks to the faithful in my life

Learning and Yearning

Man...i think these last 3 yrs of my life have been the most intense educating experience i will ever have. From abuse to redmeption, death to life, extreme to well...still extreme, from a box to radical, from empty to filled, from from uncompassionate to empathetic. What else? I still want more

.
I've been on a journey that i never anticpated would come my way. i'm not real sure how i got here except...well...Jesus! duh! I'm not sure where I am and i definately don't know where i am going. But i'm lovin the ride. Anybody else know what i mean?
At this point i am left at this hungry state of questioning. Not an undermining kind of questioning but a....please help me understand kind of questioning.
Papa, How will you make something good of this broken place? How will it fit into your Kingdom?
I just got some questions.